1) When your house turns old and British, move out.
2) When your house turns old and Japanese, that ship has officially sailed. Make sure you enjoy the time you have left!
3) When it dies, you'd better make sure it's dead. In fact, kill it twice.
4) If you think you need to open it, you don't. If someone says you need to open it, you don't. If it tells you you need to open it, it's wrong. You don't need to open it. Do whatever it takes, up to and including giving yourself a lobotomy, but do. not. open.
5) If I need to explain hitchhikers to you, it's already too late.
6) The shit shall hitteth the fan-eth, and thou shalt become much more knowledgeable about thy friends and acquaintances.
7) Civilization + zombies = asshole people.
8) Civilization + apocalypse = asshole people.
9) Civilization + any variable under the sun = asshole people. Go live in the country.
10) 17.5% of country bumpkins are trying to eat you for dinner.
11) Pick up a damn weapon. Hello.
12) Save a life, think in 3-D. That includes above you, below you, and inside you.
13) If you found it in the attic, the basement, the shed, the lockbox, the chimney, the closet, the trunk, the mysterious delivery crate, or if you bought it at an estate sale because you thought it would look cute hanging on your wall, you made a mistake. It's okay, we all make mistakes. The worse mistake would be to not kill it with fire.
14) Space, the final frontier. Operative word? Final.
15) Lots of children are cute. Children that are not cute: those born after a spontaneous blackout, after a prolonged period of abstinence, or after trying your neighbors' homemade dessert... those who enjoy playing with dolls, talking to their closets, or crawling on ceilings... those who have no discernible date of conception, no trouble speaking in archaic tongues, and no reason to be standing by your bed at godawful o'clock while holding a kitchen implement. Above all, beware of kids who don't mind wearing their hair in a bowl cut.
16) Cats don't really have nine lives. It's a metaphor. Under no circumstances should you attempt to bring them back to life once they are deceased.
...and of course,
17) If Sean Bean is in your movie, just try to stay alive longer than he does.